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Tuesday Levity

November 25, 2008

In general, this blog can cover some pretty frustrating and depressing topics. Not a bad thing, really – because these things need to be mentioned and/or discussed, but I thought I should get some regular levity in here to show any readers that I’m not always “so serious.”* So I’ve decided that I’ll do some blast-from-the-past posting once a week, putting up a past post from my now-deceased “entertaining” blog. The concept is explained in this one, but in summary: they are letters to inanimate objects meant to express my appreciation for the “little things.” See? I appreciate things . . .

* It probably also shows how “American” I really am.

Without further ado, the CVT’s Past Presents:


SUNDAY, APRIL 1, 2007

Dear Coconut Cream Pie
So my friend, A, gave me a little critique on this crappy blog, and she had a great idea. She told me that it might be a little more interesting (“a little,” mind you, she’s smart enough not to make big promises for this blog) if I wrote my posts as letters to various people/things. I thought that was a pretty good idea, so I’ve thrown out the “Theme of the Week” idea (which, if you’ve been reading, I actually threw out the day after I started it), and I’m going to go with letters.

Today’s letter: Dear Coconut Cream Pie,

I ate a lot of you today. A’s dad gave her a big piece of you yesterday, and she decided that I should have it (not knowing that you are my favourite dessert in the world). I ate the whole chunk in one sitting as I watched the beginning of “the Scorpion King” on tv. Unfortunately, it turns out that “the Scorpion King” is one of the worst movies ever made (it reminded me of the Conan the Barbarian movies, but much worse for having been made in the modern era), and the piece of you I was eating wasn’t so terrific, either.

You see, I’m spoiled. My mom happens to make a really kick-ass coconut cream pie, and I’ve never met another’s pie that has ever come close. It all started with the crust: today’s piece of you had an awful crust. I’m not sure if it was burnt, or if it was supposed to be that way, but it was dry and had a definite charcoal taste to it. Nothing like mom makes it.

Now, don’t get me wrong – I enjoyed you today. I really did. It’s just hard not to get my hopes up when somebody gives me a bakery-box with you in it. Something about that pink box makes me think of my youth when only exciting treats came in those cleverly-folded containers: cupcakes, birthday cake, donuts . . . All generally signifying some fun event (usually a birthday).

So when a pink bakery box is combined with coconut cream pie, I’m expecting something really special. Something that is going to make me forget all about how horribly bad “the Scorpion King” is. Something that will throw me straight into the land of Eating Bliss no matter what else is going on. But when I opened up that magical box and began eating you today . . . well, I was thinking about how bad that movie was.

I know this is pretty hurtful to you, Coconut Cream Pie. That’s why I wanted to address it clearly and immediately. We’ve had some amazing times together. All those birthdays when my mom makes you for me, and I eat you (nice and cold out of the fridge – the best way to enjoy you) for breakfast . . . The moments of hesitation when G asks for a slice of you, and I have to be polite and say okay. Today’s little incident will never erase those memories or make them less special for me. I just figured that – if I was thinking it – I should say it.

So here it is: I think I would have preferred a big chocolate chip cookie this afternoon.

I’m so sorry.

Sincerely,
CVT

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3 comments

  1. CVT,
    If I thought it would arrive in an edible state, I would mail you a pie that I make that is a coconut banana cream pie, with an animal cracker/coconut pie crust.

    No offense to your mother, who I’m sure makes a mean coconut cream pie, but this is the best coconut/banana cream pie that you will ever have. It is my signature dessert. It makes grown men weep. It could, potentially, end centuries of ethnic hostilities in warring countries. It is a pie that you can only dare to dream about…or that you could make yourself if you subscribed to Cook’s Illustrated a few years back.

    I make this pie only once or twice a year, for fear that it might make all the other desserts in the world jealous.

    If you ever decide to come South and become un-pseudononymous, I will make this pie for you and then you will understand its true coco-nutty/banana-creamy magic.

    Yummmmmm!!!!!


  2. I just want to reiterate that Scorpion King is not, I repeat NOT, a horrible movie. Here’s why:

    – There are far worse movies, and if you watch it with the sound off and make up your own lines it is even more entertaining
    – The good people are various shades of brown, and the bad guy is white (cinematically rare, especially in pseudo period pieces)
    – The folks of color unite and realize their struggle is one and the same, common enemy
    – They live to see the end of the movie, even though I was worried for a moment when it looked like an imminent death of the brown folks scene was about to happen, but i was delightfully surprised when it didn’t
    – The Rock.
    – The Rock shirtless for most of the movie.
    – The Rock attempting to act somewhat unsuccessfully, but he is cute when he raises his eyebrows a bit too obviously and says… ” But I thought if you… ‘you know’ (insert raised eyebrow here)… you would lose your powers.”

    Sometimes it is the simple pleasures…
    you say tomatoe i say toemato
    you say coconut cream pie, i say damn the Rock is (best summed up by the immortal words of Prince)
    a sexy MF!


  3. Jennifer – I’m sure your pie is delicious, but nobody can TOUCH my mom’s coconut-cream pie. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and say that your coconut-BANANA-cream pie may be the best in THAT category . . .

    Between you and my mom, my new stereotype is that Asian women bake the best coconut-related cream pies.

    And Ms. Sis – yeah, yeah, yeah, the Rock is so very handsome. And it’s great that the people of color actually count in that film. But doesn’t it actually make it WORSE that the only film where people of color get to matter on a consistent level looks like it had a $40 budget!???



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